10 reasons I wouldn't hire you (updated 29/08/2012)

A quick, humorous twist on just a few obvious and some not so obvious reasons why you may not get that job....

1. You don't convince me. You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk? You claim to have the prerequisite experience for the job but all that stuff you are spewing? Sounds like it is coming from a textbook. You don't sound like you know what you are doing, you are not confident, and you are full of cliches. *cringe*

2. You want to work for me and you don't know who my company is ans what they do? You have seriously got to be joking. Door's on the left....NEXT!

3. Have you had a shower today? You smell of stale beer. Smart-Casual does not mean bermuda shorts, shirt and flip flops. Lady, cover your bum and boobs (and I don't mean in Lycra)....I'm not hiring 'them'.

4. You look like you are about to explode...have you had a bad day? Sincere apologies but please do not take it out on me or my clients. If you can't bottle it and deal with it you do not deserve to be here.

5. When I ask about your 'background', I don't mean the folks down at the ghetto and Aunty Polly and Uncle Mike...Really.

6. If you can't sit 45mins without your phone ringing or you taking a call....You don't need the job.

7. I don't care that your last boss was the spawn of the devil.....I'm about to turn into your worst nightmare! If you are so willing to trash talk him behind his back, tells me more about your character than I want to know.

8. Say 'basically', 'bloke', 'to be honest' etc or wave your hands about just one more time...go on, I dare you.

9. How much am I willing to offer you 'cos you have a lot of better offers'? Why are you here then? If you are asking so insistently then I don't think I want to offer because you are either a very good liar or too expensive for me.

10. Ok, so you left every single one of your 'permanent' jobs of your own choice and they all want you back? They can have you! Something smells fishy.